i’m pretty sure that i want to get the astronaut from deja as my next tattoo. not entirely certain, but it’s definitely been in my head for a while now. maybe i won’t get it with the elton john lyrics, but i’ll know that part of it is about my uncle and that’ll be enough for me.
I hope you realize, once I am moved out, how incredibly childish you’re acting right now and the reasons for which I left. A mother is supposed to support their child once they are ready to finally be independent, even if it means moving to another state. But you know where I am going and with who I’ll be staying with. I am going HOME, the place that makes me genuinely happy. You kept asking these past two years why I want to go back so bad, and I, time and time again, told you my reasons yet you’re too stubborn (and still are) to listen, to actually listen. This past year, I lost the relationship I had with you when we were back in Fontana, where I could tell you what was on my mind, how I felt and pretty much just about anything. Now, I’m too afraid to tell you how depressed I have been feeling because you’ll just say “you’re too young to be depressed” or “you’ll get over it”, and then you go on and yell at me because I talk to your sister instead of you and don’t understand why. I’m tired of trying to figure out what it is you fucking want. Truth is, I think you also miss home, but, for some reason, you’re avoiding how you feel. And trust me, Mother, these feelings are going to eat you up inside like a fucking parasite.
As for me, I’m tired of feeling how I feel, and I’m tired of these feelings eating me up inside. So, I’m doing what I should have done back in May. I’m leaving and I guess it’s up to you to decide how you leave things between us, because this ignoring me bullshit you’re pulling to try to get me to change my mind about leaving is not going to work. Trust me, I’m fucking fed up.
Where are you now? (swimming through the stereo, I’m writing you a symphony of sound)
real talk though, no care how childish it sounds - parents are ridiculous.
08/23/10 - I’m counting (d)o(w)n (to) the future (but it’s already here)
There’s nothing wrong with being happy. After years of being told that there was, this summer was so refreshing. I am so much better than I used to be, in love with love and lousy poetry. There’s not a bone in my body worth the price of admission. I planted pieces of light to see if planets could speak. It caught my mind by surprise when I was finally free of all my darkest days. This summer has been the best summer of my life, and it’s really not even close. I slept less, and sometimes not at all. But hey, if it’s not keeping you up nights…well, you know. At the beginning of the summer, I was too weak. Then, there was a two week period where everything changed. Two simple decisions and everything changed. One departure followed by one arrival, and I never even stepped foot on a plane. I made sure to surround myself with only people who cared about what was best for me, and stopped wasting my time on unhealthy dead-end friendships. It’s never a good idea to force things that just don’t work no matter how many times you’re told to give it one more shot. It was a harsh brand of chemistry and oh so misleading but it never did stop all the bleeding. My heart woke up my head like a thunderstorm.I finally decided that I needed to live for me, not anyone else. The second you put someone elses happiness ahead of yours is the second you take the wrong path at the fork in the road. It’s cold and dark, and once you realize you’ve gone wrong, it’s a long way back to the start, but if you try hard enough, you can start over on the right path. That’s what I did. It sounds so simple, but it couldn’t be harder. I traded symmetry for everything I loved. I made the decision and stuck with it. I was free. I was refreshed. I was new. Nothing was holding me back. Then I met someone amazing. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect and that’s just how things have been since. They say that when you know, you know. I know.
I’ve always just been me, for better or for worse. That’s all I know how to do. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, and that’s fine. I’ve never been here (IRL and especially on the internet) to try to impress anyone or try to be the coolest guy ever, I’m just me. I like what I like, I think what I think and I do what I want when I want. You can take it or leave it. Cash, credit or check (out). It makes no difference to me if you believe the summer shittalk and revisionist history, and I don’t care who’s left and who’s leaving. I have more important things to do than keep track of how people I don’t know feel about me and who hates me for things I never did or said. Those things and the internet drama created around them are not even on my radar. There’s a big real world outside my front door, and that’s what I’m concerned about. I have great friends and a great family, and that’s who I’m concerned about. I stayed quiet, kept my head up and moved forward, and that’s what I’ll continue to do. I’ve got things to do and nothing to prove to anyone about anything.
With all of that said, I don’t regret anything that I went through, and I wish only the best for everyone I’ve ever met; I learned from my mistakes, and seeing how terrible things can be has helped me to appreciate how good everything is now and I’ll never take that for granted. I’m excited for the things happening in the next few months, and I’m excited for all the months and years beyond that.
September. Classes start. Theme song: “My Last Semester.” Getting my old job back. Exciting opportunities that may or may not work out. Seeing some awesome people I didn’t see all summer. Autumn in this amazing city. Spending all my time with my beautiful girlfriend.
October. Seeing two of my favorite bands. Jordan is coming up to Boston for one of those shows. Meeting Michael Emerson. Theme song: “October Nights.”
That’s a lot of awesomeness to look forward to in the short-term, and the long-term is shaping up to be just as good, if not better. It feels good to be sure about where you stand, sure about who your friends are, and sure that you love and are loved. It’s been a long time coming. Don’t like it? That’s fine with me. Get off the bandwagon and get out of my way.
Here’s to the present. Here’s to the future. Nothing but love.
You can run and tell that, homeboy.
what? no, older.
- “I’m not really into music”
- “Stop using such long words -I don’t understand you”. (This actually happened. I was 16 and too stupid not to run away immediately)
- “I can’t grow a beard”
- “I hate cats”
Holy fuck. It’s like we’re twins. I make the non-beard exception for my boy though. He is only young.
But yeah, cat haters can get the hell out of my life.
And I don’t understand how people can’t be into music.
lol mostly agreed.