just gonna cut this because it’s inevitably going to turn into a long rant about life, health and the frustrations of actually being busy for once.

My grandma is in the fourth and final stage of congestive hearth failure. Basically she’s at the point where her heart can’t work hard enough to support the rest of her body and all of her other organs are beginning to fail. I don’t know what that means in regards to how much time she has left but I have a feeling it isn’t long. 

I’m not sure what’s worse.. losing someone suddenly and unexpectedly without the chance for any goodbye or knowing that it’s coming and that you’ll have that chance but also have to see them in pain and watch them go. 

My mom was hoping to make it out to Havasu this weekend because my grandma is in the hospital but there’s just so much going on right now at home. There’s so much going on this month. I hate that she’s far enough away for it to be inconvenient but close enough to be almost in reach. I’m just really terrified I won’t get to see her again before she dies and I hate to even imagine that possibility. 

I am incredibly thankful that even in her poor health, we’ve had some really wonderful experiences together in the last few years. She was diagnosed at least four or five years ago I think. She had a pacemaker/defibrillator put in and has had three separate ablation surgeries. She’s been in and out of the hospital so much but she’s also so goddamn stubborn that between all the medical stuff we’ve had time for a cruise to Mexico, a trip to Vegas and several visits back and forth. 

She’s such an incredible person. Grandparents are funny. Generally you think because they’re so much older and from such a different time when they were young that they’d be judgmental and not really understand some of the more varied norms of today but she’s honestly more open-minded and understanding than a lot of adults I know now. She’s a no-bullshit, straightforward woman who knows how and wants to have a good time as often as she can, even when she knows it’s not good for her. She got in so much trouble after our cruise for the drinks and food we had all week long. I’ve always been so impressed with her.

She practically took care of my cousin, Berlin, when they both still lived in California. Berlin had shitty luck with parents and had a really strange and complicated childhood. I’m so proud of her now and who she’s become despite all of that and I honestly feel like my grandma’s involvement was a hugely beneficial factor. She’s always been so great about staying in touch and involved in all of our lives even when it means making five hour drives from Havasu just to see us.

I just don’t want to see her go yet. I know there’s never going to be a time when you’re ready to let someone die but it’s so hard to even get to a point where you can balance the two. Ugh.